Weird Designs: 10 (Mostly) Failed Food Inventions

Robert M. Kempher

1990

Some foods just taste so good together that you deserve to eat them simultaneously: peanut butter and jelly, cheese and crackers, bacon and eggs. But we're pretty sure that hot dogs and pretzels don't qualify.

In production? Yes. Auntie Anne's makes Pretzel Dogs, available fresh and frozen.

See the application here.

Henry L. Freund

1995

Eating carrots improves your vision. Using a carrot nightlight improves your night vision. Makes sense to us.

In production? Unfortunately not.

See the application here.

O'Cal Hanson

1935

In many ways, Hanson's cookie designs serve as a great argument for proper oral hygiene.

In production? Nope. Hansen designed these for the Burry Biscuit Corporation, which produced Girl Scout cookies for more than thirty years. Still, they appear to have passed up the opportunity to make Facial Deformity Mints.

See the application here.

Thomas H. Long, Winifred L. Reddick

1982

Now you just have to find a bear-shaped burger.

In production? No, although Arnold Burgers in Amarillo, Texas, makes their own teddy-bear buns. Close enough?

See the application here.

Eddie L. Bernal

1983

Bernal's patent application speaks for itself: "The portability of the burrito product thus approaches that of an ice cream bar or a coated hot dog having a stick impaled in one end thereof, for example." Finally: a burrito almost as portable as a coated hot dog.

In production? Undoubtedly, at some state fair.

See the application here.

Frederick L. Craddock

1940

Craddock argues that this treat will discourage thumb-sucking, as to suggest that sucking on a thumb-shaped piece of candy would be more acceptable in public society.

In production? Sort of. A candy called Thumb Dippers also fits over your thumb, but is cylindrical rather than thumb-shaped. Also: you can dip the candy in flavored powders.

See the application here.

Joseph C. Eufemia

1984

Finally: a piece of pizza almost as portable as a regular piece of pizza.

In production? Yes. After pizza cones' success over the last several years in Brazil, Portugal, and Italy, they arrived in New York at K! Pizzacone in February, 2010, only to close the same year. Pizzacone, we barely knew ya.

See the application here.

Richard L. Vitacco

1989

Because nothing says "Good morning!" like a rodeo peanut and his chickpea friends. Don't like waffles? You're in luck: Mr. Vitacco patented the exact same design — grid included — under the name 'Pancake.'

In production? No. Eggo occasionally introduces limited-edition designs — like Star Trek and Hannah Montana — but Peanut Cowboy hasn't been featured yet.

See the application here.

Daniel G. Hart, Gary D. Weiss

2000

For the countless situations when you wish the terrifying monster in your food would look bigger than it really is.

In production? No. Make your own by holding a magnifying glass up to the worst image you can imagine, and then eat it.

See the application here.

James A. Duty

1986

We don't get it either.

In production? Obviously not.

See the application here.