You tell yourself you can quit at any time. It's not an obsession, really. You're totally in control. Then you're at a restaurant and someone orders French fries. And suddenly, you're about half a second from slapping ketchup out of your barbarian best friend's hand and hailing the server for a giant vat of ranch dressing. Because there's no other way to eat fries, honestly.
If that story sounds all too familiar, read on, friend. You're in good company.
1. It's NOT A Condiment.
That's like saying Jennifer Lopez is the star of the 1997 Blockbuster rental favorite, Anaconda. She's so much more than that, and so is ranch. It's the perfect topper for any savory food: wings, roasted potatoes, turkey burgers, pizza, even pasta. As a soda flavor, though? We'd give it a try.
2. Not All Ranch Dressings Are Made Equally.
Hidden Valley's bottled dressing tends to be thicker and more peppery than if you whip up a batch from scratch (or use the brand's seasoning mix). And, if you even pretend to love the stuff, you probably have a hierarchy in your mind of which places do it right. And which ones are a disgrace to dressing everywhere.
(Psst ... If you haven't had it from Sonny's Barbecue or Cheddar's Scratch Kitchen, you need to get on that, ASAP.)
3. It's The Perfect Way To Cool Your Mouth After Eating Spicy Foods.
Sipping milk? Eff that. You know better.
4. No Server Will Ever Give You Enough.
Even if you preface your request for a side of ranch with, "and can I get a LOT of ranch? I really love it," the server may think he knows what you mean, but he truly doesn't. That teacup-sized saucer of ranch seems like overkill to an outsider — and maybe your snickering server thought he was being facetious by sliding it your way — but you'll tear through that thing before your fries are even half gone.
5. It's A Personal Victory Whenever McDonald's Gives You The Salad Dressing Packet Instead Of The Ranch Cup.
Those little tubs make for easy dipping, but each one only covers what, half a McNugget?! You can keep asking for more tubs, but as reasons No. 2 and 3 set up, it's a minor win whenever the cashier sees that wild-eyed, ranch-craving look in your eye and just dumps a few salad dressing packets in your bag, before you even have to ask. Each one holds much more dressing, and it's not the weakly seasoned, gelatinous ish they serve in tubs. Your taste buds deserve better than that.
6. It Should Come Standard With Every Pizza Order.
Papa John's gives you that pepperoncini and garlic butter sauce, but what any of us really wants — we're talking late '90s Savage Garden, truly, madly, deeply levels of desire here — is a trough of ranch with your pie.
Or, better yet, ranch-stuffed crust. Get on that, Pizza Hut!
7. Chick-Fil-A Has A Secret Ingredient In Theirs That Makes It Off-The-Charts With Nuggets.
If you've ever had the chicken chain's ranch, you might have noticed it's a little zestier than the typical dressing. (And you, obviously, are a connoisseur, so of course you noticed.) That's because their dipping tubs are a garlic ranch — emphasis on the garlic. It takes nuggets to the next level.
8. It's Even Better With A Little Hot Sauce.
Add a dash of Tabasco or some sriracha, swirl it together, and you've got the antidote to any bland meal ever.
9. It's The Only Worthy Centerpiece At Your Wedding.
Here's one trend Pinterest hasn't caught onto yet: Ranch dressing fountains. Chocolate ones have been around for years, but when it comes to livening up the party (and, admit it, that rubbery roasted chicken EVERY hotel offers), you need a waterfall of that tangy sauce. It's your day, after all.
10. The Seasoning Mix Takes Precedence Over Every Spice In Your Pantry.
Because it's good for everything. Dry rub it on chicken (or even your Thanksgiving turkey!). Sprinkle it on tots or popcorn. Whip it with Greek yogurt or sour cream for a 5-second party dip. There's nothing it can't do, and anyone who tells you differently is not worthy of the Dressing Of The Gods.
11. All Foods Are Really Just A Vessel For Ranch.
You may use other sauces sparingly, but when it comes to ranch, standard ratios are off. In fact, the whole reason you're eating those wings, fries, chicken strips, broccoli florets, or two-day-old stale pizza is for the ranch. Because drinking it straight-up is frowned upon, and even in the privacy of your own home, it's a little intense.
12. There's Nothing Wrong With Repurposing A Wine Purse With Ranch.
Okay, okay, sanitation issues aside, you've got to admit that when you saw this wine purse used to dispense ranch, you had to admit it was a little brilliant. That thing holds 1 1/2 liters of liquid. FINALLY, enough ranch to get you through the day. Hal-le-lu-jah!
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