When Starbucks unveiled the Unicorn Frappuccino, it seemed we'd hit peak fantasy-creature-turned-into food. Then mermaid everything happened, and we realized we're far, far from the end of this trend. It's easy to understand the allure: These treats are hypnotically colorful, sugary sweet, and give you a perfectly valid excuse to let your Lisa Frank-loving inner middle schooler out.
But, in all this excitement, it's easy to take things too far. If any of these statements apply to you or someone you know, please get help immediately. And detox with a different kind of rainbow diet (AKA the produce section), ASAP.
You Consider 'Sprinkles' A Food Group.
You are not Buddy The Elf, no matter how damn good you'd look in yellow leggings.
Your Fingertips Are Tinted Pink, Blue, And Purple.
Considering the secret to making any treat "unicorn" is a liberal dose of food coloring, it barely takes two bites of unicorn bark before your fingers start getting stained all colors of the rainbow. You'll know the truly hardcore by their gray-tinged nails: All those layers of food coloring, snack after snack, leads to a murky, muddled tint that'd make the Swamp Thing grimace.
Your Dentist Has Started Sending You Thank You Cards.
Because she bankrolled her Sandals resort vacation off of all the cavities she's filled in your head. Starbucks' limited-edition Frapp had a whopping 59 grams of sugar in a grande. That's about as much as three Snickers bars. All of the homemade sweets (our recipes included) are typically sugar covered in sugar, tinted with food coloring, and then sprinkled in sugar. So no wonder she's grateful.
Your Instagram Feed Looks Like Somebody Took A Blow Torch To A Bunch Of My Little Ponies.
But this isn't melted plastic, guys! This is my lunch! And breakfast. And dessert. And second dessert. Oh, and that crap I bought that tasted like a glob of Crisco coated in cotton candy. It made me sick but was totally worth it for the 'gram.
Crest Whitestrips Started Following You On Twitter.
They know your teeth are permanently tinted bluish-pink, and clearly, their marketing game is ON POINT.
Your 9-Year-Old Niece Asked You To Chill The Eff Out.
She heard you squeal over Creme & Sugar's unicorn milkshake, and her eyes rolled so hard you panicked she'd have a creepy, pupil-less existence for the rest of eternity.
Somebody Asked If Your Favorite Restaurant Was Claire's.
Yes, as in the accessories store in the mall. And no, they weren't being sarcastic. They were one dial away from calling 911 out of fear you'd started eating body glitter and fidget spinners for funsies.
You've Considered Eating Poop. Unicorn Poop.
Oh, honey. No, just no — no matter how cute it looks on Pinterest.
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