1. Get your paws off the bread rolls.
You savages are jumping on the basket of bread rolls when you know damn well that there's a whole turkey and at least ten side dishes on the way for you. Why don't you back off and leave the rolls for someone who doesn't eat any of that sh*t?
2. Has that stuffing actually been inside a turkey? I don't think I want it anymore.
I was going to try it, but then someone said the word cavity and I threw up a little bit in my mouth.
3. Mashed potatoes? Get that bowl full of mush away from me.
And I'll pass on the squash, peas, corn, creamed spinach, gravy, and green bean casserole, too. If you need me, I'll just be in the corner with my bread.
4. Why didn't my mom buy more frozen garlic bread sticks?
You had one job, mom. You know these garlic bread sticks are the only thing that I eat today. You think I'm going to believe that the grocery store only two boxes left again this year?
5. If one more person asks me if I want to try turkey, I'm going to punch them in the face.
Twenty-three years, grandpa. Twenty-three years and have you ever seen me touch that bird? No. What makes you think that 2016 is any different? Just because the world has shown signs of ending, doesn't mean I'm going to cave.
6. I should've put myself on dessert duty.
Apple pie? I don't eat that. Hell, I don't eat any kind of pie. Where's the hot fudge brownie sundae? This holiday is horsesh*t.
7. These leftovers make the fridge smell like squirrel farts.
Stop opening the fridge. I'm going to vom.
8. I can't wait for next year. I'm gonna gave so much bread.
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