I love everything about going out to eat. I love being social, catching up with friends, and, of course, pretending like calories don't exist. (When I go out to eat, I tend to eat as much as I possibly can until I feel like I need to be rolled out of the restaurant.) I am always down to go out with new people, and try new restaurants and new food, but there is one thing that I absolutely refuse to do: Share.
I hate sharing food, for a number of reasons. First, germs. I can't stand having everyone's hands and saliva-covered utensils all over the same plate. Most of all, I loathe that someone else at the table could be getting the best part of the meal. Like when I'm splitting fries with someone, the only thing I'm thinking is, Wow — that could have been the best fry in the entire pile but now it's in their stomach and I'll never know.
I mean, I might sound crazy, but I think you'll be able to relate. You've been there: You go out with a group and your table orders plate of nachos to share. From the second you see the waiter carrying the plate in the distance, the one chip that's perfectly coated in all the toppings catches your eye. It's literally begging you to eat it. You can't wait to get your hands on that exact chip when, all of the sudden, someone else at the table reaches up, snatches it, and shoves it in their mouth, completely destroying your food fantasy. That one nacho could have completed everything, and instead you go the whole meal thinking what could have been. This is what happens when you share food.
Also, there's a certain etiquette when it comes to sharing food that completely stresses me out. Let's say you're out with a group of four and the appetizer for the table has five dumplings. Everyone gets one dumpling, then you all sit there awkwardly staring at the last one thinking about who's going to get to take it. You know for a fact that you want to eat it, but you also know that whoever eats it is the fat selfish hog of the table, so then you're left with this eternal struggle: You know you shouldn't take it, but damn, was that a good dumpling.
Another thing: It's the worst pretending to be nice and having to act like I'm less hungry than I actually am. "Oh, please, take the last dumpling! I promise, I really don't want it. No, really, I swear! I'm, like, so full," I'll say. Meanwhile, I'm trying not to pass out from hunger. If I wanted to, I could eat everything that's on my plate, your plate, and that guy's plate over there, but according to the civilized rules of sharing I only get a little nibble. Here's what I say to this sharing nonsense: Keep your nibble, I'm getting my own meal!
And I do. I order for myself and myself only. When the waiter sets down that huge plate of food in front of me, I know everyone is questioning whether I'll finish it all on my own. I know they're just waiting for their moment to sink their claws into my meal, but that moment won't come. Keep your hands away and watch me go to work. I may be a small girl, but if you think I can't finish every single morsel of food on my plate, you are sadly mistaken.
Truly though, I love going out to eat with anyone. Let's all go out, order everything on the menu, and have a great time! But just remember that what I order is mine and it's all mine. I might be crazy and I know I'm selfish, but that's just how I am. So, no, you can't have half, you can't have a bite, and you definitely can't have the leftovers because I can assure you, there won't be any.
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