Today I lost my Nutella virginity; I was saving myself for something special but, like, whatever—I'm glad I got it over with already. I'm sorry to say I found out it's not as great as everyone says it is, kind of like the time I tasted a Twinkie for the first time. I really don't see what all the hype is about, and here's why.
1. It's so ... nutty.
Okay, I know this is duh, but I was expecting an even 50/50 split of chocolate and hazelnut—I mean, the packaging clearly shows the two in partnership. How could I have been so naive?
2. It's not chocolate.
What's the point of looking like chocolate if you don't taste like chocolate? Why are you so fake, Nutella?
3. It doesn't taste like it smells.
When you first open the jar, you're hit with the overwhelming scent of coffee—frankly, it smells like chocolate-covered coffee beans. That doesn't seem like your usual turn-on, but it actually smelled kind of good. All told, it was pretty damn inviting. But then you taste it, and it doesn't taste like that. It tastes like a mouth full of nuts ... see #1.
4. There's a weird layer of oil on top.
#Ew.
5. It's overwhelming.
Everything gets totally lost behind those obnoxious hazelnut tones. I tried Nutella on a graham cracker and a pretzel, and with each, I found myself wishing to be able to taste the snack more than the spread.
6. The after taste is ... hard to swallow.
Mouth. Full. Of. Nuts. And it just won't go away. If I wanted the taste of a handful of nuts lingering on my tongue, I would have, well, eaten a handful of nuts.
7. It gets everywhere.
It gets on your fingers, in your teeth, all over the jar. Ain't nobody got time for that.
8. The commercial makes me literally nuts.
It's a mom telling me that Nutella helps her kids eat healthy—that a swipe of this totally unhealthy chocolate nut paste makes healthy foods more palatable. How is that good parenting? Oh wait, it's not—and there was a class action lawsuit to prove it.
9. It is 100% overrated.
Celebrities love Nutella, kids love Nutella—everyone and their mother raves about this stuff; it's like an overplayed Top 40 song. Everyone says, "You can put Nutella on anything." That's fine—only if you don't want me to eat it.
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