1. You know you don't have to choose between black and pinto beans.
You can have both! Extra proteiny goodness for no extra money because you're smart AF.
2. You tried every secret menu item.
Burritodilla? Check. Double Wrapped Burrito? Check. Taco stand? Check check check.
3. You ALWAYS order through the app.
Then you roll in big tits swingin' to bypass the lunch crowd and pick up your meal. Bow down, plebeians.
4. You've had them cater your parties.
You're now the most popular person in your area code.
5. You're always ridiculously nice to the employees.
Because you know nice people get more guacamole. That's just a fact.
6. You tip like a baller.
Big tippers are usually rewarded with a few extra chips. And also because you're a decent person who doesn't have a lump of coal where your heart should be.
7. You know a LOT about the CEO and founder Jeff Ells.
Like, more than you know about your mom. If there was a Chipotle pub trivia night, you'd win all the guacamole.
8. When someone says McDonald's owns Chipotle.
You have no choice but to smack a fool down, Yosemite Sam-style
9. You've eaten at a ShopHouse Southeast Asian Kitchen.
Ells first attempt at branching out to a market other than Mexican (WHY!?) (jk it's delicious) is now open in DC, Bethesda, Maryland and California. You've made special trips and you're not ashamed.
10. Despite your devotion to the burrito, you never order it.
You know you get infinitely (OK, 70-percent) more food if you order a burrito bowl with a tortilla on the side. Cha-ching!
11. You know that your makeshift burrito has like 1,000 calories.
You don't care.
12. You know everything you can get for free.
Pile on that honey chipotle vinaigrette, lime wedges, jalapeños, extra beans and rice, extra tortillas, extra taco shells, extra salsas, cheese, and sour cream. With all your extras, you basically make an entire week's worth of dinner with one $8 order. (SLIGHT hyperbole; you've gotten close.)
13. You never eat salad, except at Chipotle.
Because at Chipotle, you can get up to two tortillas with each salad order. You make two burritos with that shit and call it a (very delicious) day.
14. You know where every Chipotle in your city is located and how long it takes to get there.
And when you travel, you also know these stats about the city you're visiting.
15. You prefer to book your flights through airports with Chipotle.
Dulles may suck balls, but their Chipotle opens at 6am and they don't skim on the guac. Suck it, National.
16. You always ask for a "huge thing" of guac.
Now is not the time to act cool. If you're basically a happy lunatic who's just really really really excited about their guacamole (and why wouldn't you be; it's edible heaven), you always let the person dishing up your meal know that. Chipotle employees deal with so many dour dicks who need their BURRITORIGHTTHEEFFNOW, that they're suckers for happy people and will often toss you a little extra. (Pro tip: Make extreme eye contact with the jerk who was mean to the employees while stuffing the extra guac right in your pie hole. Then wipe the extra off your mouth with a chip and eat that too while giving them an exaggerated wink. You are the best customer ever.)
17. You knew how to make Chipotle's guac at home a long time before they released the recipe.
I mean, it's great that they released the recipe for the tyros but you had that shit on lock in 2013.
18. You always ask for a discount at the register.
You know that a smile and a polite will you get you somewhere about 1/4 of the time. Considering how much you eat at Chipotle, you just saved yourself a million dollars. High five, my fellow addict!
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