When I was a kid, one of my favorite days at school was Valentine's Day. Everyone would exchange little cards with their favorite character or cartoon on it, and much to my parent's delight, I would be sent home with copious amount of sugar already consumed, plus more ready to be eaten.
But the one thing they never had to worry about me eating were Sweethearts. You know the ones. The tiny pastel candies, aka conversation hearts, that have little phrases printed on them like "BE MINE" or "LOVE U." They seem to hold the same purpose for Valentine's Day that Peeps do for Easter or candy corn does for Halloween—people either love them or hate them.
My opinions on candy corn and Peeps are not particularly strong, but Sweethearts, I hate. If you take everything that is good and dandy about a classic, similar candy, Smarties, and completely strip it of all fun and joy, you'd be left with Sweethearts. The flavors—banana, cherry, and wintergreen—are odd, at best, and the texture is an exact replica of chalk.
Now, you might be saying, 'but what about the nostalgia factor? Sweethearts have been around for years!' Let's get into that.
The origin of the tiny candy came in the 1800s when a pharmacist invented a machine that could cut lozenges, the most popular medicine for a sore throat. Eventually, the machine was used for candy, food coloring was added, and different shapes like baseballs, horseshoes, and hearts were made. Today, more than eight billion Sweethearts are made annually, 80 percent of which are sold around V-Day. Thanks to capitalism and a push for people to buy anything and everything heart-shaped for their partners one day a year, they became attached to the official holiday of couples.
In 2019, the biggest maker of these talcum powder–tasting treats, the New England Confectionery Company or Necco, closed. Spangler Candy acquired the name, and with the tight turnaround of the purchase and logistics of moving equipment between factories, the world went one year without Sweethearts. No one could exchange little xoxo messages on tiny pastel hearts (unless you happened to find some produced by Brach's). Did you actually notice? I know I didn't.
In addition to being so forgettable that they can take an entire year off, Sweethearts aren't exactly known for perfection. Letters are often cut off, there's bleeding ink, and sometimes they are just completely blank. Let's not even get into some of the odd messages like "CRUSH IT" or "FEAR LESS" and does anyone remember when they said "LET'S READ"? After two full years of living through a pandemic, they should read "U OK?" and "WEAR A MASK."
At the end of the day, the nostalgia for them is strong, but not strong enough for them to be noticed when they go MIA. You can get a better flavor and texture in Smarties (does anyone actually like artificial banana flavor?), and they aren't nearly as cute as they were when you were five. If you send them to me on Valentine's Day, I'm sorry, but I think we need to talk...
