I Only Ate Pumpkin Spice-Flavored Things For A Week Because I Hate Myself

I, like most sane people, really like pumpkin spice. Like, I reaaaallly like it. I made the mistake of saying so too loudly during one of my first weeks in the Delish office and got tasked with the unthinkable: to live like a human pumpkin spice latte for the week.

Now, this might sound fun to some people and at times it was...and at times it was truly, truly dark. I learned a lot not only about how much sugar the average person can take (the answer is probably a lot less than what I ate!) but also about the concept of pumpkin spice. Pumpkin spice is not in and of itself one spice—it turns out a lot of brands think they're making pumpkin spice, when they're actually making cinnamon or vanilla. It was interesting to truly run the gamut over such a short period of time.

Anyway! A few parameters before we start: I made sure to include something pumpkin in each meal and snack for it to count. It could be homemade or store bought. I also tried to dress the part (I own, like, one orange thing, so this was tough) and act the part too (i.e. by lighting pumpkin candles and bathing in pumpkin-related things). OK, now let's go.

Here is my pumpkin spice journey.

Sunday

I started out my week feeling weirdly optimistic, which I would later learn was total hubris. It was a football Sunday, cool enough to vaguely feel like fall, and I had an excuse to eat pumpkin things. I treated myself to my first Starbucks pumpkin spice latte of the week. So far, so great. I was pretty sure I'd live forever.

I went home and made my favorite pumpkin spice chocolate chip cookies (similar to the Delish recipe, but scribbled on the back of a notecard from a friend). These babies never, ever look pretty when they come out of the oven, but they tasted amazing. Soon my house smelled like pumpkin and I had a very nutritious brunch of pumpkin spice cookies and eggs. Cuuute.

My terrible looking but AMAZING cookies.

I also bathed with Cinnamon Pumpkin Body Wash which smelled strongly of pumpkin which delighted me at first but turned annoying very quickly as I went throughout the week.

I was going over my friends to watch football, so I prepared myself by having pumpkin seed chips and pumpkin spice salsa on hand from Sprouts. I ate...more cookies, let's just say, and was feeling pretty good about everything. I came home, prepped myself some pumpkin spice overnight oats for the morning and called it a night. I'll admit, I didn't go as hard with pumpkin spice as I should have today, but just wait...there's a whole week ahead.

Monday

This day started out just fine. I got up early, packed my breakfast and got on the train...only to realize I forgot my laptop at home. I had to reverse commute, then commute again and by the end, it had taken me almost two hours to get to work. By the time I got to the office, I was pissed and my overnight oats were tepid and gross. I literally couldn't stomach them and tossed them out.

OK, new plan. I mixed in Laird Superfood Pumpkin Spice Creamer into a cup of black coffee and had some Sprouts Cranberry Pumpkin Crisps and called it breakfast. I am a black coffee drinker, but that didn't seem fair, so this was a good happy medium. I still don't love creamer though.

My haul of pumpkin spice things (including my breakfast).

For lunch, I had a salad, which you may think is cheating, but! But! I brought pumpkin seeds to put on it and used Sprouts Pumpkin Spice salad dressing. I...didn't like it. But I continued to eat it because of the nutrients and the commitment to it all.

This, my friends, is where I first started feeling sick. Basically, I felt like there was a very angry Jack-O-Lantern in my stomach and I just started sweating a bunch. I have acid reflux and I began to think that, hey, eating all this cinnamon and spice probably isn't helping my condition, which is weird because I basically live off of black coffee and hot sauce otherwise. I am a fool, but I am a fool for content.

I went to bed without dinner. DARK.

Tuesday

I decided my dream of pumpkin oatmeal was not lost and brought a can of pumpkin to work to mix into plain oatmeal. I added in some pumpkin seeds and cinnamon and it was truly the pumpkin spice oatmeal of dreams. I was back, baby!

For lunch, I had another salad with pumpkin spice dressing because I was afraid of getting scurvy. For my snack (because I eat on the schedule of a toddler) I had pumpkin spice almonds from Lidl. If you live in a major city, you may have magic things called Nuts4Nuts, which are basically cinnamon-coated nuts. This was the next best thing. I LOVED these things.

These were my saving grace.

When I went home, I ate another pumpkin salad, burned a pumpkin candle, had more pumpkin seed chips and pumpkin salsa. I am fully obsessed with these chips. The salsa was good too, just a tinge too sweet for my taste. Another pumpkin cookie too...cuz why not?

I was feeling better today, maybe because I had a lot of salad. Maybe I was just becoming a human pumpkin? I dunno!

Wednesday

Here's the thing about canned pumpkin; it doesn't last forever! My can had been open for four days and it didn't look so hot, so my oatmeal had to change today. I put pumpkin butter from Lidl and pumpkin spice almonds in it, making it basically a dessert for breakfast. It was delicious but I got a big sugar rush towards the beginning of my day, so I began longing for my typical breakfast of hardboiled eggs and avocado. Judge me later.

This is my sad oatmeal that I loved very much.

For lunch I had Aldi pumpkin soup. It was fine. For a snack, I had Lidl Pumpkin Spice Popcorn. When I put a photo of all my pumpkin spice stuff online, I got SO many messages about this popcorn. It was as good as you think but it basically just tasted like cinnamon popcorn.

On that note, something I noticed today is brands pretty much can't decide what pumpkin spice means. For some, it's spicy and light, for others it's heavy and creamy. For some, it's heavy on coconut for some reason, while others lean into vanilla. I couldn't help but wonder, what is pumpkin spice, anyway? Maybe the real pumpkin spice was the friends we made along the way.

After pondering the state of pumpkin spice. I went to the gym and realized I forgot to factor something in to my meal rotation...that fact that my boyfriend also sometimes cooks. It was his day to prep a meal and he went with a decidedly un-pumpkin-ish one. This was where my spirit truly flattened like a three-day old balloon.

I had to top his delicious chicken burgers with pumpkin (I KNOW), which was a bad idea. I ended up having some kind of mashup of pumpkin, ground chicken, and corn. I. KNOW. I also went to have a pumpkin cookie and he had eaten the last one. All was lost. I was frustrated I couldn't just eat like a NORMAL PERSON.

Thursday

By Thursday, I contemplated chewing my own arm off just for some variety. All I wanted was something savory. I believe all people fit into two categories: French fries people or ice cream people. I am a French fries person! I was having too much sugar.

So, I decided I needed to go back to my basic bitch roots and I had a Starbucks PSL. It was amazing, the air was brisk, I was wearing a blazer, all was well again. This was where I decided to turn things up a notch. For breakfast? Pumpkin butter on toast. For lunch? Salad again, fine!

My fall outfit complete with PSL...in the bathroom.

I was fading fast in the afternoon so I decided to do one of my favorite afternoon drinks and dump a Pumpkin Pie Premier Protein Shake into an iced coffee. It was so good and basically a healthier PSL. You're welcome.

I revved up my pumpkin expedition by making my favorite chili, which featured a can of pumpkin in it for sweetness. Alongside it? Cornbread (not pumpkin, mercifully for my poor boyfriend) and Pumpkin Spice Spam. You can read all about that in my taste test but I liked it! Sorry h8rs!

Friday

I truly wanted to die at this point. I woke up so tired and bloated and just generally feeling ill. I put on my only orange sweater and decided to try Starbuck's Pumpkin Cream Cold Brew, which is new this year, to try and lift my spirits. I had a sip when we did our taste test but decided it would be my drink today. This stuff was GOOOOOD but I could only have about half until my blood started to become sugar.

We’re happy!!

I had pumpkin butter on toast for breakfast and leftover chili for lunch. I cannot tell you how awful I felt. All this sugar was starting to mess with my digestion in the worst way and I was just DONE. OVER IT.

I was heading out to hang out with some friends so this pumpkin spice quest was proving to be more difficult. I snacked on some more pumpkin almonds and when I got on the train, I ate a pumpkin spice RXbar which was also amazing, but slipped out of my hands halfway through. We can't ever have nice things. At this point, I kind of felt like I was in pumpkin spice prison.

RXBAR RXBAR Pumpkin Spice Protein Bars - 4ct : Target

$8 at Target

Saturday

Finally, it was my last day. I started the day by giving the Cinnamon Sugar Pumpkin Signature Latte from Dunkin' a try. It's available iced but I got it hot, which was a mistake because it was approx 1,000 degrees that day. Nevertheless, it was delicious, although again, too sweet for me. I just like black coffee, I guess!

I was eating with friends and, truthfully, I forgot to plan ahead for a main course that is pumpkin-related. I decided it counted that I ate a turkey sandwich accompanied by many Montauk Pumpkin Ales and Elysian Brewing Night Owls. I drank these by the pool in pumpkin solo cups (which apparently exist?!) and probably looked like a fool, but can totally see myself enjoying these when it finally gets colder. But let's be real, the planet is dying so it will probably never be cool again!

I had a Caramel Almond Pumpkin Kind Bar and when I finally got home to cook for myself, made a pumpkin/tofu sofritas bowl that mercifully basically burnt my taste buds to a crisp so I couldn't taste anything. I cooled it all off by eating Jeni's Pumpkin Cake Roll ice cream, which my boyfriend polished off when I wasn't looking.

It’s all about the set up, ya know?

I put on my best pumpkin shirt and dressed up my cat like a pumpkin to try and get her to pose with me for a photo but she bit me instead. It seemed like a fitting end.

All in all, I am truly glad this experiment is over. My spirit is pretty much broken but what else is new?

While pumpkin does not quite activate my gag reflex now like I thought it would, it's safe to say woman cannot live on Pumpkin Spice alone. I am now still bloated, exhausted, and already ready for winter to be here, which I am not happy about. I'll be swearing off all things pumpkin for a while, at least until it gets cooler. Except the almonds. I'm eating all the damn almonds.