It's fall. It's getting cold (well, it will get cold) (at some point) (one can hope). You want something comforting. You want mac & cheese. And yet, you have so many options! So many ways to make it!
Rest assured, I, your favorite food astrologist, am here to help you with that. For this food-zodiac pairing, I've assigned each sign a personality noodle, which is what you should drench in cheese to make yourself a perfectly aligned bowl of mac. As always, I don't want to hear it if you disagree.
Without further ado—your pasta horoscope. Enjoy!
Capricorn: shells
A Capricorn is nothing if not structured and goal-oriented. You know what else is structured and goal-oriented? A goddamn shell. It's nothing if not stubborn and unyielding and sturdy as hell. That is a compliment, btw. Congrats on your resolve and similarities to a noodle.
Aquarius: campanelle
The vague frazzled-ness of an Aquarius is not to be confused with a lack of resolve or unwillingness to try new things. In fact, your wild effervescence leads to some of life's funnest adventures. As in, you definitely walk into grocery stores and go "what is that, I need that!!" and end up making an entire pot of campanelli for din.
Pisces: gemelli
There's something about consistency and harmony and balance that's super soothing to you, Pisces, no? (Yes. The answer is yes.) One hundred percent you are paralyzed with joy at the gorgeous parallelism of the never-ending gemelli twirl. One hundred percent.
Aries: rotelle
It's not even close—the Aries people in the crowd think so highly of themselves that they can be paired with nothing but the symmetrical and trailblazing wheel that is rotelle pasta. Psh.
Taurus: rigatoni
You love you some balance and hardcore rigidity, don't you, Taur? I'll give you rigatoni over penne because you're open-minded enough when necessary...most of the time. Most of the time.
Gemini: bowties
The ultimate balancing act! You are a bowtie!
Cancer : ravioli
Forever mad that people never realize you are so much deeper than meets the eye—that you are simply stuffed to the brim with cheese potential!—you will continue to work hard and overcompensate and project your worth until you are on the menu of every restaurant ever recognized and fulfilled.
Leo: gnocchi
You fucking drama queen! Of course you're the only potato-based pasta in the bunch!
Virgo: orecchiette
A hesitant nurturer, you're one of those people who'll stop and help someone who's tripped on the street by, like, standing pretty far away from them and yelling "Hey! Uh, are you OK? Are you sure? OK, then!" Good on you! The delicate balance of your conscience translates to orchiette, don't ask me why.
Libra: penne
More balanced than a Taurus, more rigid in your ways than a Gemini. It was penne of bust.
Scorpio: fusilli
Scorpios are tightly wound. Intense. Ready to f u c k i n g go at any minute. See: fusilli, the only noodle properly equipped to handle sauce in every nook and cranny. And to pop off at any minute.
Sagittarius: spaghetti
Who even are you?
