A few things you need to know about me: Firstly, I find Jeff Goldblum to be extremely attractive. Secondly, I care truly and deeply about bagel etiquette, which is to say that if someone is eating a bagel objectively wrong, I will drag them on the internet about it. Keeping all that in mind, I'm here today to discuss the travesty that is Jeff Goldblum going face first into a bagel in a new-ish Apartments.com commercial and how it is perhaps the most overlooked travesty in the history of mankind.
For context, it'd be very helpful if you went ahead and watched the 30-second clip above. In it, you'll find "Brad Bellflower" (our guy JG) walking a rando through all the possibilities that exist for him and how they correspond to a perfect apartment. The rando walks past iterations that include him as a surgeon, a chef, an athlete, and more, choosing instead to go with the version of himself that is just a guy holding a bag of bagels. He likes bagels! Who doesn't!? Jeff/Brad is surprised, but leans into the life this man has chosen, meeting him on the other side of a portal and in the new apartment.
It is there that he is doing...this.
Do you need to see that as a still? Don't worry, I've got that, too.
To be clear, we are talking about the fact that rather than slicing the bagel properly or even halving it with his hands, the man responsible for 95 percent of our collective sexual awakenings is biting directly into a bagel, which is arguably the only incorrect way to do it. Far be it from me to tell people they are eating things wrong, but this is Jeff Goldblum we are talking about. This is Jeff Goldblum and a bagel.
When you bite into an unsliced bagel, you purposely disregard the perfected crust-to-fluff ratio the center of a bagel allows you. When you bite into an unsliced bagel, you throw off any chance you have of achieving a perfect cream cheese layering experience throughout. When you bite into an unsliced bagel, you have f*cked it all up.
What's most upsetting about all of this is that this commercial has lived in the world since April 1 and not a single person on the webz has mentioned anything about this carb travesty. In fact, no one has mentioned anything more than hating the commercial overall. See?!
I guess it's perfectly fair to assume Ethan is talking about hating The Bagel Bite when he just says he "[hates] this commercial," but it's more likely he just hates the concept. Regardless, go off, Ethan!!
But in case this effort of mine to bring attention to the mistreatment of bagels in the media awakens some of your senses, it's important to figure out how we got here. Is it appropriate to blame this misstep on Jeff deeply immersing himself in the character of Brad (is Brad a carb-hating narcissist who takes ironic pleasure in taunting people without carbs currently in hand??), which would just confirm Jeff is a superb actor? Or did Jeff stick to Brad's script and go rogue when it came to the bagel-related moments in the commercial? Regardless, we're dealing with someone in a writer's room who thinks it's funny to destroy perfectly good bagels or a long-revered actor who doesn't know any better. I'm upset!
There's no definitive way to figure out what really happened here (though I have reached out to Jeff for comment). When I hear back, I'll be sure to update this post with his explanation. Until then, let's all binge watch Jurassic Park and eat sliced bagels topped with a quarter pound of cream cheese as solace.
