In our new series, Flashback Fridays, we take a look at our favorite blast-from-the-past foods—still living, some long dead. Cue the nostalgia.
Even Heinz knows it's time to bring back purple ketchup. They know. They have to. The company's been innovating like crazy lately (ex. 1: Mayochup, ex. 2: Mayocue, ex. 3: Mayomust, ex.4: KRANCH). They must be rearing to go with some other ridiculousness that'll make people happy. Last year, they even gave hope to one fortunate soul on Twitter that we could maybe, possibly, very well see a comeback of the product. Right?!
That tiny glimmer of hope is why I continue to fight the good fight. My campaign to bring back the stuff starts here.
I remember where I was the first time I saw the now-infamous purple ketchup. It was the summer of 2001, and rather than the usual protein-, carb-, and veg-filled dinner I'd gotten accustomed to coming home to from camp (thx @mom, you're great), there was rotisserie chicken and French fries sitting on the table. Also, there was a bottle of something called "Funky Purple." I was aghast. I was intrigued. I squirted that shit gleefully all over my dinner.
That was a high I've chased unsuccessfully since that night. And it's why I'm here today to announce my official candidacy for President of Nostalgia, Executive Commander of the Purple Ketchup Army. I'm going to see to it that we see the return of EZ Squirt Funky Purple in our lifetimes.
...OK, not really, but I will commit the rest of my time writing this post to explaining why the condiment, which is now referred to as "one of the biggest food flops of all time," was a delight and a success—something we all should look back on fondly, regardless of our feelings on secondary-colored ketchup. Something we should welcome back with open arms.
Heinz's EZ Squirt Funky Purple ketchup did not, unfortunately, become a staple of my pre-teen diet over the next few years, but was rather an exasperated one-off from a working mother who just wanted her kids to please eat their food at the end of a long day. And while I sought out the good purple stuff as often as I could until its demise in 2006, I could never get it consistently enough to re-spark that original joy.
What's important about the product, though, is that it did spark that joy, and that particular joy is one people my age (25+) (ugh) associate with so few late '90s and early '00s things. Dunkaroos, frosted strawberry Pop-Tarts, and orange Tic-Tacs fall into the same realm of snacks you ate with such fervor throughout the most formative years of your lives, no? Do you not tear up when you taste Funfetti that's vaguely Dunkaroo-esque? Thinking about purple ketchup brings the same tear to my eye. We were so young then! We didn't care about Instagram or low-carb lifestyles or anything!
That stuff—that sweet, viscous, Barney-colored stuff—was so smartly designed it's almost impossible to believe anyone would call it a failure now. It was made for children who wanted to feel diabolical while giving parents control over how diabolical they could be (that narrow squirt bottle cap, tho). It was viral before anyone knew what to do with internet attention. It sold tens of millions of bottles of product.
It would sell even more in 2019, a year of reboots aimed at millennials, colorful food that performs better on social platforms, and incisive food-related nonsense that manages to reach more humans than anyone could possibly imagine. A world ready for the return of purple ketchup.
Anyway, I'm pretty sure this pining over purple ketchup worked. I'm pretty sure you all are sitting there, nodding your heads, tearing up in agreement. I'm sure the good people at Heinz are reading this right now, knowing in their hearts and souls there's only one thing left to do.
And it's to give me my childhood ketchup back.
