A quick poll of everyone ever confirms the best parts of all weddings are as follows: being in the very pure presence of two people who are really pumped about being 2gether 4ever, grandmas dancing, dresses so good you can talk about them for days, and cake. Of course, everyone's situation is different, but those tend to be wedding hallmarks. Until recently, that is.
Now there is such a thing as a cheese wedding cake. And a pancake wedding cake. And a bunch of other non-cake wedding cakes that are being pegged as cool and alternative options to straight-up regular wedding cake.
Believe me, I'm excited to hear all your "f*ck you, let people do whatever the f*ck they want!" feedback, I really am, but hear me out: I, a twenty-something woman who is in her prime wedding-going years, know there is no more universally loved dessert than cake, especially at the end of a night filled with sweaty, booze-fueled dancing and the vague dread that is the tangible passing of time. And why wouldn't you give people what they want?
For all your "shut up! This wedding isn't about you!" thoughts — hang on to them, we'll get there! — it's important to remember that ... it kind of is? It's all fine and good to be a little bit selfish about planning your wedding. When it comes to your dress and your ceremony and your hair and your makeup, you need to do whatever is most special and comfortable for you. But when it comes to decisions that are going to affect how everyone else experiences the evening, a little bit of selflessness goes a long way.
Say you and your soon-to-be spouse first bonded over your love of the Walmart yodeling kid, for example. Do you ask your band to play more than four hours worth of yodeling's greatest hits for all your guests to try and dance to? Do you?? If, instead, you two met in the comment section of the 2016 livestream of Dartmouth's finally blooming, foul-smelling corpse flower, do you ask your florist to fill the room with ugly plants that smell like garbage so your friends and family really understand the origin of your love? Hmm???
If you and your partner get off on the runny texture and super stale smell of cheese that's been sitting out for awhile, do you BUY ENOUGH CHEESE TO FEED EVERYONE WHO CAME TO CELEBRATE WITH YOU AND SERVE THAT TO THEM AFTER THEY'VE ALREADY EATEN MEDIOCRE FOOD SO THEY CAN GET OFF ON THAT WITH YOU? Sure, "this wedding isn't about [me]," but IT KINDA, SORTA IS, AND I'M NOT TOO PROUD TO SAY IT.
As far as the "you don't know what everyone likes"-ish things you're dying to lob at me the second I stop talking (I know, I know, one sec!), I urge you to think back on some of the greatest weddings you've ever been to. Did you go home from any of them where you ate a buttercream-heavy, happiness-forward slice thinking "wow, I really wish I hadn't eaten that wildly delicious morsel?".
... On the contrary, did you lie in bed after being served half a deflated macaron or something and think "I am extremely content and satisfied with the way this evening ended?" I may not know what everyone likes, but I sure as hell know a thicc piece of cake could squash both a sad piece of melty cheese and a squishy half-doughnut in a Survival of the Fittest: Dessert Edition-type deal.
Oh, and as for those comments you're biting back — I'm so sorry! We're out of time here. I didn't mean to upset you. But you know what'll make everything better? Cake. :)
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