7 Reasons You Should Never Eat Maraschino Cherries

They may look cute and innocent but maraschino cherries are always a horrible idea. The preserved, sweetened cherry is a defiled version of the beautiful fresh fruit. And once you learn how they're made, you'll join me on this anti-maraschino cherry journey I like to call living your best life.

1. They're syrupy AF.

I'm sorry but who decided that drowning cherries in sugar syrup was the best way to serve them? If I wanted a nuclear-waste–looking "garnish" on my sundae I'd ask for Nickelodeon slime. Plus, the texture turns to mush and the artificial, overly sweet taste is absolutely horrendous.

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2. They don't belong in an old fashioned.

Or any cocktail for that matter. How dare you ruin a decent drink with such a cheap addition? You may as well just dump that whiskey out the window once a maraschino touches it. If a kid wants one in a Shirley Temple or Roy Rogers, then do it and let that child learn from her horrible mistake.

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3. They totally disgrace ice cream.

Oh, you want a pop of color on top of your whipped cream? Pour on the macerated strawberries. Or, hmm, I don't know, FRESH CHERRIES.

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4. They're made in the most horrifying way.

Typically, fresh Royal cherries are bleached with calcium chloride and sulfur dioxide until they turn yellow and lose their natural flavor (WHY?!). Then they're marinated in high fructose corn syrup and Red #4 food coloring for upwards of three weeks. Not delish.

5. Cherries should not be flavored with lime.

Or wild berry. Or lemon. Or passion fruit. A cherry is a cherry—leave it at that.

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6. They're not even boozy.

If you're going to soak fruit in something for a while,it should be alcohol. Plus, the original marasca cherries (the origin of maraschino cherries) were preserved in maraschino liqueurs in Croatia and Italy. Today, in America, you're just eating a cheap rip-off.

7. Even chocolate can't save them.

Chocolate, the holiest of sweets, can do no wrong. It makes literally everything better—except, that is, for the unworthy maraschino cherry. Those jelly sucrose-filled cordials are garbage.