Every year around this time, the existential dread kicks in. It’s my birthday and I’m one year closer to death. Then come the questions from friends: Are you having another birthday dinner? Who, what, when, and where? This year, I tell myself, there will be no birthday dinner. There will be no Venmo requests. No awkward glances when the bill arrives. No reservations to make, RSVPs to track, or minimum tab to meet.

From the initial planning stages to signing the check, the birthday dinner has become a terrible experience. Birthday dinners are meant to be celebrations, but they're making us hate each other. First, there's the guest selection process, a nightmarish task for anyone with multiple friend groups. And depending on the way the sun aligns with the moon, you'll have to tack on multiple plus ones you'll never see again.

Next, there's the location. The birthday person should choose, but it gets complicated when you have to consider neighborhood, capacity, dietary restrictions, and what it all comes down to: cost.

After all, this isn't just a typical dinner with friends; it's a birthday dinner, and no one can agree on how to handle the bill. Does the birthday person pay for everyone? Is the tab split evenly? In my experience, the guests often split the bill and cover the guest of honor's meal. But this can be tricky when there are different budgets, expectations, and people who didn’t order drinks.

Consider a dinner party, children's birthday party, or wedding. The host spends money on the party, gifts are given, but no one is expected to drop money in a collection box at the door. Hosting a birthday dinner at a restaurant should be no different than throwing a party at your house. Whether guests are paying in lieu of giving a gift, or not, shouldn't the host, well…host?

"I think it's unfair when someone chooses a really expensive restaurant for a birthday dinner," said Sean Lans in a TikTok. Expecting to pay his share for a friend's birthday dinner at an expensive restaurant, he decided to compromise. He skipped the dinner and met the group out afterward. The birthday person was not happy.

TikToker @Tinx responded by saying that it's "bad manners" to expect guests to pay for birthday person's meal—and, controversially, to even pay for their own dinner. "If you invite people to a restaurant of your choosing for your birthday, you should pay for everybody," according to Tinx. Most people who aren’t millionaires would agree that’s absolute madness.

Here’s What You Should Really Do

There's no etiquette book we all follow on the modern birthday dinner, but here are a few guidelines I made up:

  • It’s the birthday person’s responsibility that, going into the event, everyone knows their financial obligations.

  • Yes, it’s your birthday and the night is about you, but pricey dinners could put some of your friends in an awkward situation. You might end up with no friends.

  • Unless it’s a surprise birthday party, the birthday person should be contributing something if it’s their plan.

There’s always the option to make things easy and tell people to meet you at a bar. Maybe the bar will let you have food delivered.

Or better yet! Do nothing at all. Perhaps we would all enjoy our birthdays more if they weren't so much work. We rid ourselves of entertaining people and simply entertain ourselves. That is, unless you're a Capricorn and actually enjoy planning parties.

"I don't think your birthday's about doing the biggest, fanciest thing. It's about, like, having fun with your friends and doing something you like," said Lans in his TikTok.

If throwing a huge birthday bash is something you like, then so be it, but I’ll be keeping my celebrations minimal and stress-free this year. Let’s call it the anti-birthday dinner.