I was bringing a toddler and a preschooler across the country to visit my parents. One of my children was a picky eater at the time, and the other struggled to stay on the growth chart. My parents were very responsive to the kids’ needs, but also unfamiliar with some of the strategies we used for managing picky eating. They also really loved “spoiling” the grandkids with treats!
As I prepared for that trip, I felt the anxiety mounting. Travel, holidays, or even just going to someone else’s house for dinner can make eating worse for children. The more picky a child is, the more they will be impacted by a break in their routine. Plus, there are family relationships to consider.
Often our parents or grandparents used different feeding strategies than we recommend now. It was common to force kids to finish their plates, bribe them with dessert, or restrict their portions. Society and the food environment have changed significantly, however. Weight loss culture is undesirable to many parents, sweets are ubiquitous, and there is more knowledge these days about the causes of picky eating. Many parents want to give their children skills to manage the current reality and take advantage of expanding knowledge. This has led us to try different feeding strategies.
So, I texted my mom a few weeks before the visit, “Let’s talk about food for the upcoming visit.” I needed to make sure we were on the same page in terms of not forcing them to eat, having age-appropriate limits on sweets, and providing high-calorie foods for the one struggling to stay on the growth chart. One very long text chain later, we had a game plan that we mutually agreed to.
I’ve found that there are five strategies that make a difference when it comes to bringing a picky eater to visit family.
Know What Your Child Needs
You are the only person who will be able to advocate for your child. Children aren’t picky just to make other people angry; there are often underlying conditions. Your relatives may have a hard time understanding this.
Think about what your child specifically needs to successfully eat. I knew that my son wasn’t able to eat mixed foods at the time and also needed foot support when he was sitting at the table. We also had a very strict policy of not pressuring the kids to eat.
Contact Your Family Ahead of Time
After you are clear on what your child needs, take a breath and contact your family. Pick a way to communicate that they like best, be it video call, phone call, or text. Pick a time when things are calm for them. Contact them and let them know your child’s situation and the things that they need.
Sometimes family members take it personally or disapprove if your child doesn’t eat certain foods or if you use different feeding strategies than they did. Be sensitive to their needs, while also being very clear about what your child needs. Here’s an example:
“Hi mom!...
The kids are so excited to see you soon...
I wanted to mention some of the things Noah needs right now. We’ve been working on his picky eating and it’s really important that no one pressures him to eat anything or say anything about his eating…
He probably won’t be eating your creamy mushroom and cranberry mashed potatoes. I know it will be hard because it’s the family specialty. It’s hard for me too. We’re working on his picky eating, so that he can learn to eat it! He’s not ready yet though…
Also, he really needs a foot rest right now. This is helping him be able to concentrate on eating. Is it okay if I ship a booster seat with a foot rest to you?...”
Identify Tricky Situations
No matter how the conversation goes with your family, there will likely be situations that are hard on your child. Here are some common situations they might face:
- The eating schedule is different and meals are often later than expected.
- Family tries to force your child to try new foods or clean their plate.
- Family tries to use emotional manipulation to make your child eat: “Grandma’s feelings will be hurt if you don’t eat the...”
- Meals are chaotic, loud, or distracting for your child.
- Family talks about your child and how they eat in front of them.
- Family does not want to make sure there is a food the child is comfortable with at all meals.
I knew that meals might be served later than expected at my parents house, so I made a snack plan with my mom to make sure we could tide the kids over until dinner.
Have a Plan for Mealtime
- Have a plan for feeding your child, even if the family meals are running late.
- Have a conversation “interrupter” to use if someone starts to talk about your child’s eating in front of them.
- Have a strategy for intervening if someone tries to force your child to clean their plate.
- Have a plan for excusing yourself and your child if the meal setting is too overwhelming for them.
- Offer to be the one to make sure your child always has food they can eat at the table.
- Bring equipment that will help your child during meals.
I sent booster seats to keep at my parents’ house. This helped them sit at the table and concentrate on their food, which helped them eat better.
Finally, Prepare Your Child
Some families may be accommodating, other families less so. In either case, talk to your child about what is going to happen during the visit. Talk about what foods may be served, who will be at meals, and how they will sit at the table. If your child is very young, role play with stuffed animals what it will be like to visit and eat in a different place. If you have family members known for being uncooperative, tell your child what to expect and how you will try to handle it. Let your child know you’ll leave the table with them if needed.
Visiting family with a picky eater can be stressful. Preparing in advance, however, can reduce some of the stress. Every year before we visit my family, my mom and I have a long text chain that covers everything that the kids are eating right now and any new feeding techniques we are using. Because we do it every year, it’s no big deal. Sometimes I still have to interrupt a conversation or make a little tweak while I’m there, but preparing everyone for the visit means there are less times I need to advocate for my child at the moment.
