I'd like to preface everything I'm about to say with this: I am a Jewish New Yorker by way of New Jersey. My opinions on bagels, how bagels should be served, which bagels are the best, and the proper way to honor bagels are deep-rooted, correct, and indisputable. You may not fight me on anything that comes after this as—again—I am right, and any other opinions on the subject are wrong. That said, I also need you to know that I'm (mostly. Mostly.) joking and the criminal in question otherwise seems like a nice and fine guy.
OK? Ok.
On Monday, National Environmental Satellite, Data, and Information Service employee Alek Krautmann tweeted the above picture of dozens of Panera bagels sliced long-ways with the caption "Today I introduced my coworkers to the St Louis secret of ordering bagels bread sliced. It was a hit!" On Wednesday, the internet dragging commenced.
Comments on the tweet range from "I have called the police" to "this is anti-Semitic" to "how DARE you, sir." Others who are from St. Louis have quickly distanced themselves from the carb crime and have asked him how anyone could sully carbs the way he and his local Panera have done. It's brutal out there. The ratio is bad.
Anyway, now that we've established you absolutely should not slice your bagel in any way other than horizontally through the center O-N-C-E, it's time to tell you why exactly this is so wrong.
- A bagels is a hefty undertaking, a meal in and of itself, a joy. To dissemble its carefully kneaded and risen dough to flimsy lil slices is to disrespect the person who put it together with love. That person did not bake it exactly to the right crunchy-meets-airiness for you to slice it down so that you get neither of those textures! Like, what!?
- While bagels don't require a spread, they...well, they do. Bagel-intended spreads are thicc and luscious. They are not meant for something flimsy like bread! They are meant for a monster—a vessel that can safely hold about a quarter-inch of cheese, fish, and more from the plate to your mouth. When's the last time you stacked lox on top of a pile of cream cheese onto soft toast and didn't have it all come crashing down on your face? When, you animal??
- I don't know. I'm just upset. If you're going to murder bagels, do it in the privacy of your own home. Don't tweet about it.
@Alek.
