Some people were born to take on noble causes, whether they be fighting societal injustices or righting terrible wrongs or whatever. Mine, today at least, is defending eggnog, the long-maligned holiday drink you all like to shit on come every December 1. And because I have to get back to my other noble causes (I also need to tackle foods that help people lose weight, should they so choose, and something else today that I can't quite remember), we're going to make this quick: Eggnog is great, and anyone who says otherwise is a Grinch-y killjoy who doesn't deserve dairy.
People's primary aversion to the drink is the actual heaviness of it, no? I won't fight you on that. Anything made of egg yolks, cream, spices, and some alcohol won't go down as easy as a tall glass of water. But if it's the texture of eggnog that is upsetting to you, might I suggest you forgo that stodgy fruit cake you end up closing out your Christmas with every year? How about that lukewarm bread pudding? Those texturally vague desserts must be so upsetting to you!
Not willing to let go of your bread pudding? I get it! But I do have to remind you at this juncture that bread pudding is essentially bread chunked up and soaked in an eggnog-type mixture, my dudes. Seriously, if you were blindfolded and asked to identify Christmas desserts over pain of death, would you know a spoonful of the delicious soupy bottom of a bread pudding pan from a sip of eggnog? I think not!
OK, fine. It's not the texture of eggnog that bothers you so much as it is the raw egg bit. (For all those fellow eggnog lovers out there who have lived blissfully unaware their fav drink does, in fact, involve raw eggs, it's fine! Everything is fine! Keep reading!) Firstly, the eggs in all eggnog are tempered, you drama queen! Secondly, a fear of raw eggs precludes you from some of life's greatest pleasures.
Unless you're willing to give up carbonara, cacio e pepe, most enjoyable salad dressings, and, oh, cookie dough, you're not allowed to sit up on that particular high horse. Yes! It is the same thing! So, no! You're not!
It's not the raw eggs that bother you? You're concerned about your health, you say? That must be nice! I assume you've been a saint this whole holiday season then. A saint! Was it the worst to not even have one bite of pecan pie on Thanksgiving? Was it torture to not stop at Starbucks for a chestnut praline Frapp while store-hopping on Black Friday? Will you miss snacking on not even a single cookie this year come Christmas? Sad!
You don't have to chug eggnog, you know. Half of the dragging the drink gets online has something to do with how gross it is to knock back an entire glass. You can just sip it slowly, enjoying the slightly spicy warmth of it over the course of several hours (wait, we haven't even talked about how delicious eggnog is yet lol!!). You can also take one sip and marinate happily in that holiday flavor for *just a minute* before walking away and straight to the gym—you are the healthiest person I know, after all.
Also, yeah. It tastes good. Really good. So good, in fact, I bet about half the people who claim to hate it haven't even tried it in their lifetimes.
They must be too busy polishing off their logs of raw cookie dough. With glasses of thick, hot milk. While exercising. Of course.
