
Netflix
This Father's Day, in addition to celebrating our actual dads, we wanted to honor the men who crammed life lessons into 30- to 60-minute increments (often set to a laugh track). Find your favorite faux-father in the lineup below and toast to him with his beverage of choice...or, okay, what we'd imagine it'd be.
Okay, so Homer isn't exactly a parental paradigm. D'oh! He's crass, lazy, moronic, and we're pretty sure he has a drinking problem. But, under that beer gut, at his core we believe Homer really loves his family. Plus, he gave us this quote:
"To alcohol – the cause of and solution to all of life's problems."
Danny Tanner, Full House
Drink: Coffee with a splash of milk
Ah, the wholesome Danny Tanner – a walking moral compass with neat-freak tendencies and dorky jokes. Given his overprotective parenting style and devotion to setting a good example for DJ, Stephanie, and Michelle, we're guessing he's a teetotaler. Though, that coffee
could be spiked with bourbon....Hey, raising three kids alone is hard work. And let's be honest, he was pretty much raising five – counting Joey and Jesse.
Mike Brady, The Brady Bunch
Drink: "Brady Bunch Hunch Punch"
"This is the story...of a drink named Brady." We'll stop there. We figured with a household of eight – nine including Ellen DeGeneres's doppelgänger, Ann B. Davis, as Alice – a hunch punch was the right drink for Mike. The perfect Hunch Punch hydrates a crowd and is so fruity, you can't taste the alcohol – perfect for fussy Marcia (once she's 21, of course).
Add a little vodka to any of these punch recipes to create your own version.
Andy Griffith, The Andy Griffith Show
Drink: The "Fixer-Upper"
Poor Sheriff Griffith spent a lot of time cleaning up after Mayberry's resident "town drunk" Otis Campbell. In the "Dogs, Dogs, Dogs" episode, Andy makes Otis a hangover cure. The Fixer-Upper recipe: A tall glass of orange juice, a big splash of A-1 sauce, a medium dash each of Worcestershire sauce and Tabasco, and a jumbo raw egg. If Dad gets a little rambunctious on Sunday night, mix him up one of these bright and early on Monday morning. Mhmm...
Phil Dunphy, Modern Family
Drink: Jägermeister
If you visit the official website of
Jägermeister, you're encouraged to "discover strong bonds and uncommon characters." This could totally double as a promo tagline for
Modern Family. Phil Dunphy is certainly quirky, but that's what makes you love him so much. Plus, Phil obviously has some experience with jäger. See below:
Michael Bluth, Arrested Development
Drink: "Bananarac"
We can thank Bartender Natasha David at Nitecap in New York, NY for
thistake on the Sazerac. The ingredients list feels pretty spot-on: absinthe for the delusions that are Tobias's acting career, "Bitter Truth" bitters for every time Michael catches his family in yet another lie, and banana liqueur because...
Walter White, Breaking Bad
Drink: Dimple Pinch Scotch
Mr. White's poison of choice—since he only makes meth, he doesn't
do it—is Dimple Pinch. The "extremely mild blended whiskey has a few centuries' worth of roots in Scotland," according to
Bon Appetit, and appears first in the season one finale at Holly's baby shower, four years later in a season 5 discussion with Gus Fring, and then in the final episode of the series.
Carl Winslow, Family Matters
Drink: The Blue Collar Cocktail
Carl takes his job very seriously, both as cop on the street and man of the house. He works hard and yells at Eddie a lot, but it's only right
this cocktail from Short Order in Los Angeles includes
sweetvermouth. We all know Carl is secretly a huge teddy bear.
Tim Taylor, Home Improvement
Drink: Handyman Collins
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor is accident-prone and not the best with advice, but he's still our favorite fixer-upper. Why will the handyman in your life love this"post-yardwork cocktail" from Beer Bitty? It's BEER-based!
Coach Erik Taylor, Friday Night Lights
Drink: Highland Scotch
Clear eyes, full hearts,
can booze. If there's one thing Tammy taught Coach over the course of five seasons, it was patience. But when Buddy Garrity or the boys are getting to be too much, sometimes you just need a drink – a "scotch-flavored drink."
Tony Soprano, The Sopranos
Drink: Glenlivet Scotch
Tony acts as the father figure for two families – his actual relatives Carmela, Meadow, AJ and Livia, and the DiMeo criminal organization. There's an argument to be made that Tony Soprano is a violent sociopath, but at least he's plenty polite to this bartender.
Philip Banks, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
The honorable Philip Banks doesn't let you forget, he is one classy daddy – thank you very much. A little bubbly feels like the right call for Uncle Phil. Anyone who can put up with the antics of one Will Smith deserves a toast. (P.S. For anyone who wants to make the case that Phil's role is more that of an uncle than a father, I give you this gif...and hope you have tissues near.)
Al Bundy, Married…with Children
Drink: "The Al Bundy"
Though Ed O'Neil's Al Bundy is a beer drinker, he inspired his own cocktail recipe, so we had to include it. The "Al Bundy" consists of a shot of whiskey, a shot of vodka, and a splash of Tabasco. The fiery sauce really captures Al's tendency to be a little hot headed. Still, he puts his family first, and, though severely flawed, his cynical logic keeps us ROFL-ing.